Weather permitting, Wednesday night will be my first visit to Yankee Stadium this season. It goes without saying that each year’s inaugural trip to the ballpark is filled with anticipation, but there’s one particular facet of visiting the House That Ruth Built which preoccupies my seasonal debut. Namely, has somebody killed off “Cotton Eye Joe” yet?

For those unfamiliar, “Cotton Eye Joe” is a techno version of an old country & western dance song (written by the King of Western Swing, Bob Wills) done by a Swedish band called Rednex, who should be consigned to spend eternity in Hell. Since 1996, the song has been played at Yankee Stadium during the seventh-inning stretch, right after organist Eddie Layton’s whimsical version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Post-September 11, the juxtaposition between the two songs has become even more bizarre when preceded by Kate Smith’s war-horse version of “God Bless America.” The song is accompanied by shots of an insipid dancing man in a cowboy hat. This article in the Journal News is about that man, a guy named John Luhr. As character generator for the Yankee Stadium Jumbotron, Luhr began using the song to accompany the statistics of the Yankees’ minor-leaguers as they were displayed during the seventh inning. Unfortunately, it caught on, as did video of the dancing dork in the control room. “Cotton Eye Joe” and its alter ego even became popular with the players, with Roger Clemens procuring a cowboy hat and shirt signed by the entire team — now part of Luhr’s costume.

In addition to being the nadir of human achievement in recorded sound, “Cotton Eye Joe” is absolutely the worst part of attending a game at Yankee Stadium, and that includes the Liza Minelli version of “New York, New York” which accompanies a Yankee loss. While I’m generally more tolerant than the average purist of the music at the ballpark (I always smile when the grounds crew does their “Y-M-C-A” routine as they rake the infield after the fifth inning), I would gladly give it all up in exchange for the promise that I never have to hear the song again. I am an avid music buff with a CD collection that numbers in the thousands, running the gamut from the country blues yodelling of Jimmie Rodgers to the block-rockin’ beats of the Chemical Brothers. Rarely do the twain meet, but when they do, as in “Cotton Eye Joe,” the result is an aesthetic disaster. Especially when the synthetic bagpipes come in. Yes, bagpipes. Are you with me yet, brothers and sisters?

Shortly after the 2001 World Series, I received a couple of emails from a woman looking for info on “Cotton Eye Joe” who must have come across my site because I mentioned the song here. Apparently, she didn’t read me too closely or she would have understood my feelings on the matter:

I hope you can help me. Everytime I go to Yankee games, I too stay at least through when they play “Cotton-Eyed Joe.” My boyfriend loves this song and he loves the guy with the cowboy hat who dances to it in the glass booth. Do you know who this guy is and how I could get an autographed picture of him for my boyfriend?

Somehow I managed to summon up enough willpower to dismiss the email as a joke, and restrained myself from firing off a sarcastic response. But now that I have a name to attach to the dastardly phenomenon of “Cotton Eye Joe,” I’m going to begin stockpiling ammunition. With all of the problems in the world today, it may seem like a trivial thing to take aim upon. But I’m sending out a sincere FUCK YOU to John Luhr for inflicting this upon us. I’d like to make you eat that cowboy hat, pal.