“You’re only as smart as your ERA,” Jim Bouton wrote in Ball Four over 30 years ago. While Bouton was talking about how nobody within baseball wants to hear what a marginal player has to say, Colorado Rockies reliever Todd Jones has illustrated Bouton’s adage in the most literal terms. Interviewed by Denver Post theater critic John Moore on the subject of the Broadway play “Take Me Out,” about a baseball star who comes out of the closet, Jones came off like a man whose 6.35 ERA was higher than his IQ:

Colorado Rockies pitcher Todd Jones, a 6-foot, 3-inch pitcher from Marietta, Ga., said an openly gay player would create a hostile locker-room environment, and that opposing pitchers would likely throw intentionally at his head.

“I wouldn’t want a gay guy being around me,” Jones said. “It’s got nothing to do with me being scared. That’s the problem: All these people say he’s got all these rights. Yeah, he’s got rights or whatever, but he shouldn’t walk around proud. It’s like he’s rubbing it in our face. ‘See me, hear me roar.’ We’re not trying to be close-minded, but then again, why be confrontational when you don’t really have to be?”

Ugh. Jones, who writes a column for The Sporting News, had to have known his remarks would stir up controversy. What he’s apparently saying is that an openly gay player should fear for his safety and his life because cretins like Jones would make it their business to rub THEIR intolerance (and their fists, or their fastballs) in his face.

Fortunately, not every player shares Jones’ attitude or ignorance. Moore spoke to Arizona Diamondbacks first baseman Mark Grace:

Grace… said most ballplayers are less threatened by the idea of a gay teammate. “I’ve played for 16 years, and I’m sure I’ve had homosexual teammates that I didn’t know about,” he said. “If one out of six or seven men are homosexual – do the math.”

Any problem, Grace said, would manifest itself not so much in the field but in the locker room and in the showers – where, coincidentally, the majority of “Take Me Out” takes place.

“I think the perception in the clubhouse would be one of, for lack of a better word – fear,” Grace said. “Fear that they’d be stared at or (that a gay player might fall) in love with them. But I think if you’re intelligent at all, you’d understand that homosexuals are just like us. They don’t think everybody’s attractive. Just because this guy’s homosexual doesn’t mean he’s attracted to me.”

Gracefully put. I live in New York City, a city with considerably more diversity and tolerance than your average Georgia backwater. Having spent most of my past six years at a design studio with an openly gay boss signing my paychecks and several gay colleagues working alongside, AND that same period of time as a member of a gym with a high concentration of gay members, I can tell you that I’ve spent more time worrying about which socks I’m going to wear tomorrow than fending off advances from other men. If I’ve been ogled by a gay man in either environment, I couldn’t tell you by whom, and I’ve never been hit upon, not once. It’s a non-issue.

For their part, the Rockies moved swiftly to distance themselves from Jones’ remarks in a press release:

The unfortunate comments made by pitcher Todd Jones and published in today’s Denver Post in no way reflect the views, opinions, or attitudes of the Colorado Rockies Baseball Club.

“As an organization and as a part of this community, we are committed to providing an environment for our employees and fans that is free of discrimination and prejudice regardless of race, color, sex, religion, sexual orientation, national orientation, age, disability, or status as a veteran” said Keli McGregor, Rockies team president.

Jones himself issued a half-assed apology to save his (red)neck, but he didn’t back off: “I think my only mistake was that I made my views public,” he said, reportedly teary-eyed during his press conference.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo. Forget Carl Everett. Anybody who clocks Todd Jones with an object thrown from the stands — be it cell phone, beer bottle, surrendered home run ball, bowling ball, tire iron, ACME anvil — wins a free Futility Infielder T-shirt and the replacement cost of the thrown object (valid only with a receipt). Here’s wishing Jones every bit of the success his predecessor in the bigotry department has enjoyed. And here’s where you can open your own can of Whoop Ass on this John Rocker wannabe: tjones@sportingnews.com.