Must… Kill… This… Man

Weather permitting, Wednesday night will be my first visit to Yankee Stadium this season. It goes without saying that each year’s inaugural trip to the ballpark is filled with anticipation, but there’s one particular facet of visiting the House That Ruth Built which preoccupies my seasonal debut. Namely, has somebody killed off “Cotton Eye Joe” yet?

For those unfamiliar, “Cotton Eye Joe” is a techno version of an old country & western dance song (written by the King of Western Swing, Bob Wills) done by a Swedish band called Rednex, who should be consigned to spend eternity in Hell. Since 1996, the song has been played at Yankee Stadium during the seventh-inning stretch, right after organist Eddie Layton’s whimsical version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Post-September 11, the juxtaposition between the two songs has become even more bizarre when preceded by Kate Smith’s war-horse version of “God Bless America.” The song is accompanied by shots of an insipid dancing man in a cowboy hat. This article in the Journal News is about that man, a guy named John Luhr. As character generator for the Yankee Stadium Jumbotron, Luhr began using the song to accompany the statistics of the Yankees’ minor-leaguers as they were displayed during the seventh inning. Unfortunately, it caught on, as did video of the dancing dork in the control room. “Cotton Eye Joe” and its alter ego even became popular with the players, with Roger Clemens procuring a cowboy hat and shirt signed by the entire team — now part of Luhr’s costume.

In addition to being the nadir of human achievement in recorded sound, “Cotton Eye Joe” is absolutely the worst part of attending a game at Yankee Stadium, and that includes the Liza Minelli version of “New York, New York” which accompanies a Yankee loss. While I’m generally more tolerant than the average purist of the music at the ballpark (I always smile when the grounds crew does their “Y-M-C-A” routine as they rake the infield after the fifth inning), I would gladly give it all up in exchange for the promise that I never have to hear the song again. I am an avid music buff with a CD collection that numbers in the thousands, running the gamut from the country blues yodelling of Jimmie Rodgers to the block-rockin’ beats of the Chemical Brothers. Rarely do the twain meet, but when they do, as in “Cotton Eye Joe,” the result is an aesthetic disaster. Especially when the synthetic bagpipes come in. Yes, bagpipes. Are you with me yet, brothers and sisters?

Shortly after the 2001 World Series, I received a couple of emails from a woman looking for info on “Cotton Eye Joe” who must have come across my site because I mentioned the song here. Apparently, she didn’t read me too closely or she would have understood my feelings on the matter:

I hope you can help me. Everytime I go to Yankee games, I too stay at least through when they play “Cotton-Eyed Joe.” My boyfriend loves this song and he loves the guy with the cowboy hat who dances to it in the glass booth. Do you know who this guy is and how I could get an autographed picture of him for my boyfriend?

Somehow I managed to summon up enough willpower to dismiss the email as a joke, and restrained myself from firing off a sarcastic response. But now that I have a name to attach to the dastardly phenomenon of “Cotton Eye Joe,” I’m going to begin stockpiling ammunition. With all of the problems in the world today, it may seem like a trivial thing to take aim upon. But I’m sending out a sincere FUCK YOU to John Luhr for inflicting this upon us. I’d like to make you eat that cowboy hat, pal.

Crash Courses and Short Stops

An Opening Day blowout in wintry conditions with the team’s marquee signing being booed off the field would have been preferable to what the Yanks experienced on Monday night. Less than three innings into their first ballgame, a season flashed in front of the Yankees’ collective eyes at the sight of Derek Jeter writhing in agony, the result of a violent collision at third base with Blue Jays catcher Ken Huckaby.

While several Yankees initially assumed the play had been a dirty one, replays — as well as the shots of a chastened Huckaby — dismissed that accusation. Having seen the replay from several angles, I’d say Huckaby’s play was overly aggressive, but no more so than Jeter’s play. On first base with one out and the infield extremely shifted against Jason Giambi, Jeter tried to take third on an infield grounder. In a headfirst slide, his shoulder met the 205-pound Huckaby’s armored and rapidly traveling knee as the catcher leaped to cover third. The results were not pretty.

The preliminary diagnosis is that Jeter separated his left (non-throwing) shoulder and will miss at least six weeks. An orthopedic surgeon quoted in the New York Post (or was that a wino quoted on the subway?) opined that Jeter would need two to four months to return, depending upon whether surgery was required. Baseball Prospectus injury expert Will Carroll was less sanguine in his assessment. Comparing Jeter’s injury to various other dislocations (including that suffered by the Padres’ Phil Nevin, who is shelved for the year), Carroll wrote, “The outlook is not good. I cannot find a situation where a player was able to come back in-season from this type of injury.” But until an MRI can be done to assess the soft tissue damage in Jeter’s shoulder, all of this is speculation; that procedure is scheduled for Thursday, when the Yankees hit Tampa.

For the time being, the Yanks say that they’ll fill Jeter’s spot from within the organization, promoting AAA Columbus shortstop Erick Almonte while using futilityman Enrique Wilson as his caddy. Despite whatever rosy picture the Yankee brass is painting today, neither is likely to hold the position for very long. The former is a 25-year old who’s gone from prospect to suspect thanks to a year spent brooding enough to earn a demotion back down to AA. In two tours of Columbus, he’s shown flashes of potential (21 homers and a .443 slugging percentage) along with glaring weaknesses (a 4-to-1 K/W ratio last year and 45 errors in 163 games). Overall his AAA numbers (.267/.336/.443) don’t herald the next Jeter, Soriano, or even D’Angelo Jiminez. Wilson, if anything, is even more suspect, having aged rapidly enough to justify his Luis Sojo-like set of chins if not the .181/.239/.295 line he posted last year. For years with Cleveland he was touted as a serious prospect, but when his skills are dragged into the harsh light of day it’s not a pretty picture. On a good day he’s an adequate glove man, but overall he’s the living embodiment of the replacement level. Only Joe Torre’s foibles at choosing his bench keep him in pinstripes.

The irony is that Jeter’s injury serves to highlight just how durable he’s been over the course of his major league career. He’s averaged 154 games a year over his seven full seasons, with a low of 148 in 2000. The Yanks haven’t needed much of a contingency plan in that timespan and have steered their best shortstop prospects (Soriano, Jiminez, Christian Guzman, Bronson Sardinha) to other positions or other teams while settling for the Sojos and Wilsons as backups. In all, they’ve been without Jeter only 57 times (including Tuesday) with the starts doled out as follows, according to YES Network:

L. Sojo      25

E. Wilson 12
A. Soriano 5
C. Bellinger 5
A. Fox 5
W. Delgado 3
A. Arias 1
R. Sanchez 1

This honor roll of futilitymen hasn’t exactly been Jeter-beaters, managing only a .222 average with 2 homers and 9 RBI. The Yanks, however, haven’t suffered much in his absence, going 36-21 without him, for a higher winning percentage (.632) than they had with him (651-424, .605). Of course, that’s a pretty small sample size for anyone to draw conclusions that Jeter’s glove is holding the Yankees back.

The question becomes how disciplined the Yanks can be in handling this situation. Countless middle-infield stopgaps, most of them better than the Yanks’ current options, dot the landscape; one Baseball Primer poster even went out of his way to list them. Among the more appealing options are Desi Relaford, Chris Gomez, and Melvin Mora — guys who won’t make you forget Jeter, but could easily make you forget Enrique Whatzisname by the time you finish reading this. Should the Yanks momentarily falter or their shortstops struggle, getting one of these guys for a Grade B prospect is a possible route. Should Jeter’s season be shot entirely, look for the Yanks to pursue a high-profile, overpriced glove man, such as (ugh) Neifi Perez or Rey Ordoñez (currently chasing the cycle (!) as I write this).

While it’s tough to get excited about these stopgaps, it’s probably tougher to see this hampering the Yanks enough to threaten their spot in the postseason. With the addition of Hideki Matsui and the anticipated development of Nick Johnson, the Yanks will score enough to support an offensive cipher in the Jeter-hole. But given the organization’s ability to throw money at a problem and Joe Torre’s comfort with Experienced Veterans, it’s perhaps toughest of all to imagine the Yankees simply standing pat.

Still Mattering

My friend John Perricone’s been having some technical difficulties that that have taken a bite out of his Only Baseball Matters weblog. As a fellow Blogger user, I can only shudder at the potential havoc he must have endured, having barely skirted disaster on that front myself recently. John’s asked me to tell you, dear readers, that he’s back in the saddle. Go read him.

Two Words: Play Ball!

Why is this man smiling? Because Opening Day is finally here. After a winter of my discontent, and some seriously nasty weather, the arrival of the baseball season feels completely refreshing. Perhaps especially so, since this season carries no imminent threat of labor strife. There’ll be no strikes, just balls flying every which way for the next seven months.

Alas, all is not right with the world. This country’s current war on Iraq, an 800-lb gorilla (or is that guerilla?) of bad news, does dampen my enthusiasm a bit. As does the forced patriotism which apparently mandates crowds chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!” after singing “God Bless America” during every seventh-inning stretch. While I don’t intend to make this column a soapbox about my views on the war, suffice it to say that I look forward to the day when ballpark displays of zeal are connected merely to the two teams on the playing field.

So without further ado, and as my obligations as a Writer of Stuff dictate, I’ll offer some predictions for the season. While I didn’t do so hot last season (that Yanks-Astros World Series never materialized), rest assured that the past year has increased my baseball wisdom sufficiently that desperate gamblers in Vegas are breathlessly awaiting the following:

AL East: Yanks, Red Sox, Blue Jays, Orioles, Devil Rays. Last year I figured the Rays might surpass the Orioles; this year, despite the presence of Lou Piniella, I harbor no such illusions. So these folks will finish in exactly the same order they have for the past five seasons, with the Sox giving the Yanks a better chase than recent years, falling short but stealing the Wild Card spot.

AL Central: Twins, White Sox, Indians, Royals, Tigers. Despite their new Colon, the Sox won’t catch the Twins, who have plenty of pitching and hitting depth to carry them. Both will have plenty of fun at the expense of the division’s pretenders.

AL West: A’s, Angels, Mariners, Rangers. The A’s will continue their rise, the defending champion Angels will discover that “career year” means it only happens once, and the Mariners will keep fading. The Rangers should show some improvement, but nobody will give a Buck.

NL East: Phillies, Braves, Expos, Mets, Marlins. The Braves rotation which dominated the NL East has been scattered, not quite to the four winds but to a couple of the other teams within the division. Glavine won’t be a great loss for them (or a great help for the Mets), but Millwood –with some help from Jim Thome — will be the difference. The Mets will surprise nobody except Steve Phillips when they continue to look like last year’s Mets.

NL Central: Astros, Cardinals, Cubs, Reds, Pirates, Brewers. I should be done predicting anything for the Astros, but the Cards have too many injury questions for me to pick them here. Dusty Baker’s magic won’t withstand the harsh light of day, but their young pitchers will keep them competitive.

NL West: Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Giants, Rockies, Padres. Randy Johnson looks like he could carry the Diamondbacks until he’s 50. Jim Tracy has made his name managing his way around an injured pitching staff; with good health he can finally take the Dodgers to the postseason. Even if Bonds is Bonds, Felipe Alou will have a rough time filling Dusty Baker’s shoes.

Wild Cards: Red Sox, Dodgers

World Series: A’s over Phillies. Pain me though it might, I’m pegging this to be the year the A’s get over the hump. Just like every other monkey with a weblog, probably.

AL MVP: Alex Rodriguez

NL MVP: Lance Berkman

AL Cy Young: Last year I said “Tim Hudson. Or Mark Mulder. Or maybe Barry Zito.” That prediction served me well, so I’m sticking with it.

NL Cy Young: Randy Johnson

AL “Rookie” of the Year: Hideki Matsui. You were expecting maybe Rocco Baldelli?

NL Rookie of the Year: Marlon Byrd

First Manager Fired: Lloyd McClendon. With so much of last year’s deadwood swept out by slow starts and slow finishes, most of the easy targets are gone. The Orioles should put Mike Hargrove out of his misery, but I don’t think he’ll be so lucky.

First Manager Lynched: Larry Bowa, which is why the Phillies will get to the World Series.

World Series (Wishful Thinking Department): The last time I hunkered down to root for the Dodgers at the outset of a season, Billy Ashley was still a prospect. Though they fell short last season, the Dodgers stirred enough old loyalties for me to start caring again. And though I’ve spent the better part of the past seven years cheering the home team here in NYC, a Dodger-Yankee matchup wouldn’t give me a moment’s hesitation in choosing sides. So for the first time since I was a kid, I’ll dare to dream of the continuation of the greatest World Series rivalry.

"I’m 91, But I’m Still Learning."

It’s tempting to say that 91-year-old Buck O’Neil has forgotten more about baseball than I’ll ever know. But in his interview with Bronx Banter’s Alex Belth (who after interviewing Marvin Miller and Ken Burns is, dare I say, en fuego), it’s abundantly clear that the Negro League legend hasn’t forgotten much at all. Still with plenty on the ball, O’Neil recounts for Belth his days in the Negro Leagues, his scouting discoveries, and his take on players from bygone eras compared to those of today. What’s always endeared me to O’Neil is that he never merely resorts to a things-were-better-in-my-day take on the game. Or the world, for that matter. I’m not sure how he manages to stay so positive, but it’s clearly a good prescription for longevity.

Banters, Ranters, and Other Stuff I Missed

Since I wasn’t online for a whole five days, I’ve missed plenty of interesting baseball articles, some of which I’d like to call to your attention…

• Bronx Banter’s Alex Belth interviews Marvin Miller. THAT Marvin Miller. In the name of a book proposal, Belth phoned the 86-year-old former Executive Director of the Major League Baseball Players Association and spoke to him for about an hour on Curt Flood and his landmark Supreme Court case. Wow, great stuff.

• Mike C.’s got the latest lengthy installment of his look at relief pitchers over at Mike’s Baseball Rants. This one covers the Nineties and the current decade (that would be the Aughts, wouldn’t it?):

The saves numbers have changed so rapidly that the change has obscured the value of pitchers like Goose Gossage (13th), Bruce Sutter (16th), and Dan Quisenberry (21st), all of whom were arguably more valuable to their teams in the day than three of the top four in career saves (Lee Smith, John Franco, and Jeff Reardon) were to theirs.

This argument I feel is a stronger explanation for the current dearth of Hall of Fame relievers than the ubiquitous “The Hall voters don’t value saves” argument. They value saves, just not the relievers who have high totals in that statistic. I believe that there are voters who do not select the worthy candidates that I mentioned because they are over one hundred saves behind John Franco, a player who will not be regarded as a strong Hall candidate when he retires.

Good stuff, and lots and lots of data as well.

• Baseball Primer’s Eric Enders, taking a tack from Bill James, enumerates the successes of Dodger manager Jim Tracy in making regulars out of several players. Enders points out how Tracy’s resourcefulness has allowed the Dodgers to overcome several boneheaded contracts, returning them to the ranks of the competitive — something I’ve harped on this myself recently. Continuing his examination of Tracy, Enders also has written a season preview of the Dodgers with some good analysis.

• Forget previewing a team; Aaron Gleeman, has lengthy previews of the entire AL & NL Easts. I’m guessing Aaron didn’t spend much of his spring break outdoors.

• David Pinto’s Baseball Musings has a slick new look and a new, easy-to-remember URL.

• The Yankees pulled off a good trade, sending outfielder Rondell White, who’d been rendered obsolete by the Hideki Matsui signing, to the Padres for outfielder Bubba Trammell and pitching prospect Mark Phillips. In the short term, the Yanks save $2.5 mil on this year’s payroll, plus another $350 K on the luxury tax, and they get a lefty-masher well suited to coming off the bench (though admittedly not as good an outfielder as departed lefty-killer Shane Spencer). Long-term, they’re on the hook for Trammell’s $4.75 mil in 2004, but the acquisition of bona fide prospect Phillips should temper that.

Pinstriped Bible’s Steven Goldman notes that Baseball America rated Phillips as the #3 prospect in the Padres organization:

Phillips is your prototypical tall lefty flamethrower — the 6-foot-3 Phillips has whiffed 273 batters in 266 professional innings — who struggles with his mechanics and control but is dominant when he gets it right… the Yankees took an expensive spare part and converted him into a potentially dominant young pitcher. That happens very rarely. Keeping all the usual caveats in mind (young pitchers are frequently derailed by injuries; the Yankees don’t have the greatest track record of translating minor league pitchers into major leaguers) this has the potential to be the kind of deal that people cite for years afterwards as a steal.

Sweet.

• In one of the spring’s most interesting experiments, former Cubs phenom Brooks Kieschnick is slated to make the Milwaukee Brewers’ roster as a pitcher/outfielder. An outstanding hurler and in college at the University of Texas (2-time National Player of the Year), Kieschnick never stuck in the bigs as an outfielder, passing through eight organizations while racking up less than 200 major-league plate appearances. He made a couple of mop-up appearances here and there, but never gave pitching a serious shot again until last year. With the White Sox AAA affiliate in Charlotte, he pitched 25 games with a 2.75 ERA and 30 K’s in 31.1 innings while also hitting .275 with 13 home runs and 40 runs batted in. New Brewers manager Ned Yost, who’s got a long season ahead of him, is open-minded enough to try out this unique double threat, who bats lefty, throws righty, and can play both corner outfield positions and first base. And while spring-training stats don’t mean much, it’s worth noting that he’s thrown 11 innings with a 4.77 ERA while going 4-for-10 with 2 dingers (tied for the team lead) and 7 RBI. Baseball Prospectus has a worthwhile interview with Kieschnick. I’m definitely rooting for the guy.

Holiday During Wartime

War makes a very strange backdrop for a vacation, and I can’t say the current situation didn’t dampen my spirits a bit while down in Florida. I never did get my web access to work while I was down there. And I’ll never refer to Tampa and culture in the same sentence again. But the baseball part of my Grapefruit League trip went off quite well, save for a rainout on Sunday. All told, I saw five games, eight teams, and four ballparks. It never felt like enough, even after four games in a 48-hour span.

At this point in spring training, the lineups are fairly recognizable, so I got to see several stars up close, especially at the Dodger games. With the exception of the Twins, all of the visiting teams obliged by sending out what could pass for an Opening Day lineup give or take a player or two. Which isn’t exactly great news in some cases.

Perhaps my best stroke of luck, beyond the weather, was the array of pitchers I witnessed: Jose Contreras (striking out Indians left and right), David Cone (bobbing and weaving through four solid innings against the D-Rays), Rick Ankiel (falling behind hitters but keeping the ball in the vicinity of the plate), Guillermo Mota (throwing gas at the Marlins while being heckled by some random Mets fans at the Dodger game), and Hideo Nomo (that hypnotic three-part motion), to name a few.

So much to tell… I’m working on a lengthy writeup of my trip and will have photos to go with it. Hopefully it’ll be up by the end of the week.

Clearing the Bases Before I Skip Town

I’m packed for my six-day Spring Training trip, which begins on Wednesday. I counted about seven different baseball-themed shirts as I packed. Bought a new scorebook for the occasion (one of those softball-style vertical ones that can handle lots of substitions; hey, I’d keep score at a tee-ball league), and a brand new ball to toss around. I’ve already broken out the mitt and feel comfortable telling Joe Torre or Jim Tracy that I can give them a few innings on back-to-back days.

Joining me on this trip will be my girlfriend’s brother Aaron, a Milwaukee resident and die-hard Brewers fan who has been dying hard for just about any other brand of baseball one could offer (“I’d settle for Mudville vs. the Indianapolis Clowns!” he wrote). If everything goes as planned, we’ll be seeing six games over the next five days:

WED: Indians at Yanks, Tampa (night)

THU: Marlins at Dodgers, Vero Beach (day) & Devil Rays at Mets, Port St. Lucie (night)

FRI: Cardinals at Dodgers, Vero Beach

SAT: Twins at Yanks, Tampa

SUN: Yanks at Tigers, Lakeland

I planned this trip when there was three feet of snow on the ground, and I’m going to enjoy this as if it were the first sunshine I’d seen all spring.

• • •

I’m taking my laptop with me to Florida. With any luck I’ll be posting the occasional update later this week. Here are a few links to point out before I go:

• The New York Times ran a timely piece for my puposes on Sunday. Mark Shapiro, author of The Last Good Season: Brooklyn, the Dodgers and Their Final Pennant Race Together, comes to terms with a modern view of the Dodgers move, one in which Walter O’Malley isn’t the bad guy:

O’Malley was not just my villain. He was Brooklyn’s. He was the man whom Pete Hamill and Jack Newfield famously placed in their own triumvirate of evil, along with Hitler and Stalin. But, as I began to learn more about O’Malley and about the circumstances of the Dodgers’ departure, I began to discover that perhaps – forgive me, Pete and Jack – Brooklyn’s hatred was misapplied. Could we all have been hating the wrong man all these years?

Shapiro, who as one might guess grew up in an abandoned Brooklyn, now sees O’Malley as fighting the losing end of a battle with Robert Moses, a much heavier hitter in city history. Moses was the master architecht of New York City for 40 years, building the bridges, highways, parks and other structures that have shaped this city. And he wouldn’t give O’Malley the time of day. Writes Shapiro:

O’Malley pressed on. His letters to Moses suggest a little man in a boxing ring, dancing around a very big opponent. O’Malley used whatever leverage he could muster, all but begging for his support. Moses, it becomes ever more clear, could not abide him, nor did he have any intention of letting him build anyplace near the heart of Brooklyn.

Moses never wrote that he spurned O’Malley because he did not like him. But he made his disdain clear: as far back as 1954, he complained of O’Malley’s “beefing, threatening, foxing and conniving.” He had other plans for the Dodgers, or the New York Giants. He wanted them in Queens, in the stadium he was planning to build in Flushing Meadows. O’Malley took the best offer he had, which came from Los Angeles. That it also came at Brooklyn’s great and enduring expense made him a villain, especially because the move made him rich.

Having grown up a Dodger fan west of the Mississippi River, long after the team left for L.A., I must admit that the extreme view of O’Malley as a villain never resonated with me. As far as my family’s concerned, he brought the majors out west a time when it was long overdue, making it a hell of a lot easier to get Dodger games on the radio. That view survives even now that I live in New York. To indulge in some cloud talk, it would be nice if there were still Dodgers here and if Bill Veeck were a hero for taking the Browns westward, as he tried to before the Dodgers lit out. But what then of Fernandomania? And the rest of baseball history — would Koufax have put it together in Brooklyn? What of the Miracle Mets? Or the Baltimore Oriole way?

I don’t have any illusion that Walter O’Malley was a nice guy. But the baseball world he shaped has given me a pretty fair shake over the years, so I don’t need to forgive him. Michael Shapiro feels that Brooklyn does. He writes: “…while Brooklyn may never love Walter O’Malley, it is time to forgive him. Nothing grand has ever risen on the corner of Flatbush and Atlantic Avenues, where his dream palace might have stood. It makes the mind dizzy, contemplating that phantom stadium as a gift to Brooklyn from the man we always believed had broken our hearts.”

• Jonathan Leshanksi, who runs the site At Home Plate and is the commissioner of my fantasy league, has a positive review of Shapiro’s book, which has just been published.

• Also on the subject of Dodger history, former GM Fred Claire reflects on trading Pedro Martinez in 1993:

I will be the guy who traded a young Pedro Martinez. It was a major mistake on a couple of fronts. First of all, it wasn’t difficult to recognize the talent of a young Pedro. Secondly, it was even easier to see that this was a very special young man who had a great personality and a great inner spirit to go with his talent.

It’s the type of mistake a general manager can make when he gets too focused and tries too hard to fill a hole in his everyday lineup. Is that an excuse? No, there is no excuse for trading a Pedro Martinez.

Claire’s soul-searching admission is offered up a sort of rambling open letter to the Boston Red Sox not to let him get away. Ssssssh, dummy, maybe the Dodgers can snag him back…

Yes, it was a stupid deal, trading Pedro to Montreal for Delino Freakin’ Deshields in 1993. But in the grand scheme of Dodger history, Claire’s got a pretty good entry on the positive side of the ledger as well: he signed Kirk Gibson in 1988. They still fly that Series flag and they still play the tape of Gibson’s home run, so Fred’s all squared with me. No further apology needed.

Elephants in Oakland has had a good back and forth with a reader about the Miguel Tejada Situation and owner Steve Schott’s intentions. Our elephantine friend also has an entertaining rant about the way the Internet has blown several recent baseball stories out of proportion.

Off to the Grapefruit League…

Futile Fantasy

In the baseball website racket, keeping a fantasy team is as much obligation as hobby. Gotta have a side to wear the corporate colors, after all, and some poor middle infielder to jettison after a losing streak. And lest you get the idea that you’re the smartest guy on the block, a sorry-assed roster full of slow first basemen with bad hammies, sore-armed third starters, and disgraced former closers will remind you otherwise in a big hurry. When all else fails you can spend a column bitching about it. Not that I’ve had to, of course. With a first-place and a second-place finish in the past two years, I am clearly MENSA material.

Or else the only one paying attention. I spent my recent years in the Homer Bush League (ESPN) competing against near-total strangers in almost deafening silence — my Mendoza Line Drivers last completed a trade in 2000. So for some human interaction this season, I accepted an invite to join a league with the writers of several other sites (including At Home Plate, @theballpark, Elephants in Oakland, Historical Baseball, Jim and Bob’s Palatial Baseball Site, and The Southpaw). For ballast, we’ve got a couple of my long-lost college pals along as much for their trash-talking skills as for their ball-talking. Since they’re both functionally illiterate moral degenerates, I can freely slander them in this space. But I’ll hand it to those boys for bringing two of the league’s better names into the fold: Rick Burleson’s Army and Morgan’s Porno Stash (the owner has it on good authority that Joe is a big fan of skin mags).

Before this year, I’d never done a live draft, and this is also the first time I’ve played with a full-MLB player pool (or with a full deck, for that matter). I’m well-versed in ranking all of the players at a single position in a single league until the Cal Pickerings come home, but ask me to estimate the value of a good closer relative to a good slugging third baseman and you might need a mirror to tell if I’m still breathing. I spent the weekend leading up to the draft arming myself with data, and I ignored most of it except when it supported my gut instincts. Forty-five mintues before the first pick, I was outside playing catch. Suffice it to say I didn’t overthink the situation; it was like telling Shawon Dunston not to worry about the strike zone. I was hacktastic.

It didn’t help that I drew the 12th draft spot, meaning I had two picks in a row (last of one round and first in the next). When you draft like that and then have to wait 23 picks until your next shot, you spend more time indulging in witty banter than serious research. How many snappy comebacks does a guy need for drafting C.C. Sabathia in the 13th round? And why should it burn a Sox fan’s red ass (that would be Rooster Boy) if I pick Jose Contreras in the 19th? Jeff Kent — now there’s a porno ‘stache.

When the smoke cleared late Monday, this was my roster:

C Jorge Posada

1B Jason Giambi (1st pick at #12)

2B Roberto Alomar (a relatively late pick)

3B Eric Chavez

SS Jose Hernandez (Cooooooooooors)

OF Gary Sheffield (hate the player, love his game)

OF Ken Griffey Jr. (another sleeper I couldn’t bypass)

OF Jermaine Dye

CI Robin Ventura

MI Jerry Hairston Jr. (hate him, but I have the need for speed)

Util/Bench: Jose Cruz Jr., Bobby Kielty, Aubrey Huff, Kevin Mench

SP Roy Oswalt, Roy Halladay, Javier Vasquez, Tomo Okha, C.C. Sabathia, Andy Pettitte, Jose Contreras (Like Steinbrenner, I couldn’t resist a 7-man rotation when I saw Contreras still available)

RP Troy Percival, Franklyn German

I’m short a second catcher, wagering on German to win the Detroit closer job, heavy on corner infielders, outfielders and Yankees, and light on speed. I’ve got a few big OLD question marks, particularly Alomar and Griffey, and Oswalt makes me more nervous than a #1 starter should (hence the stockpiling). But I feel good about my squad. I know they’d run through a wall for me just to kick some Rooster Ass. As the Futilitarians say: bring it on!

Be Careful What You Wish For

In early January, a rumor surfaced that Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation might sell the Dodgers. To anyone capable of counting on their fingers, this hardly came as a surprise. Count five: having purchased the Dodgers in 1998, News Corp’s five-year window to depreciate player contracts had just closed. The five-year rule (brainchild of Bud Selig in his Seattle Pilot-jacking days) allows half of a franchise’s purchase price to be allocated to player contracts and depreciated over that span, creating an artificial loss which reduces the owner’s tax liability. Disney’s move to sell the Angels and the entire sordid succession of Florida Marlins owners (Huizenga to Henry to Loria, oh shit!) are prime examples of the corporate inclination to bail once that window closes. Why should the high-class folks who brought you quality entertainment such as Joe Millionaire and Man vs. Beast be any different?

On Rupert’s watch, the Dodgers went from a solidly profitable marquee franchise to a spectacularly unprofitable cautionary tale. From 1990 to 1997, the Dodgers averaged a gain of $8 million a year in operating income, according to data from Financial World. From 1998 to 2001, they averaged a loss of $20 million a year in operating income, according to Forbes Magazine figures. Those losses were the largest in baseball in each of those seasons. Contributing to them, of course, was a massively inflated payroll which shot from $48.5 million pre-sale in 1997 to $94.2 million in 2000 and has kept pace as the game’s third-highest ever since. Who can’t afford Mike Piazza?

Forget the money. What the Dodgers lost goes beyond dollars. Rupert and his henchmen destroyed a fifty-year trend in organizational continiuty and stability that had held place under the O’Malley family — a stability that survived Walter O’Malley engineering the most controversial upheaval in the history of sports, the Dodgers’ move from Brooklyn. Regardless of which coast they were on, or whether father Walt or son Peter was running the team, the O’Malleys built a franchise that was competitive year in and year out. The Dodgers rebounded after their rare down years without resorting to the histrionics of firing their manager. They had exactly two of those from 1955 to June 1996, from Walter Alston’s first one-year contract to Tommy Lasorda’s heart-attack-induced retirement, and in that same span they won six World Championships and eleven pennants, making fifteen postseason appearances.

From the get-go, the Foxies produced an organizational soap opera worthy of Melrose Place. While the ink was barely dry on their purchase, they traded Mike Piazza rather than meet his $100 million contract demands. A month later, they used Lasorda to engineer a bloody coup which toppled his mild-mannered managerial successor, Bill Russell, and GM Fred Claire. They eventually hired GM Kevin Malone, a loudmouth who described himself as “the new sherrif in town” and proceeded to embarrass the Dodgers with his mouth and his personnel decisions. The Dodgers made Kevin Brown the richest player in the game with a ridiculous 7-year, $105 million contract, squandered millions on busts such as Carlos Perez, Darren Dreifort, Devon White, and Eric Karros, traded Charles Johnson for sore-armed Todd Hundley, and feuded with petulant superstar Gary Sheffield. Malone picked fights with manager Davey Johnson, Padres GM Kevin Towers, and finally, a Padres season-ticket holder before being jettisoned into oblivion. Floundering around .500 and coming nowhere near the postseason, in three years the Dodgers burned through as many managers as they’d had over the previous 45.

They also drove away this fan of over 20 years. From the time I began to understand major-league baseball (c. 1977), the Dodgers had been my team. My family bled Dodger blue; ours was a rooting legacy passed down from my grandfather through my father, and as a youngster I delighted in hearing about Jackie Robinson, Duke Snider, Sandy Koufax and others while watching my own Dodger heroes — Davey Lopes, Ron Cey, Fernando Valenzuela, Pedro Guerrero. As I grew up, they rewarded my loyalty with contenders, championships, and continuity. The Murdoch era did away with all that, and proximity drove me into the arms of the team’s most hated rival, the Yankees.

But even a blind squirrel trips over an acorn now and again. So it was with the Dodgers hiring Jim Tracy as their fourth manager since Lasorda. Passing over name-brand skippers such as Felipe Alou, they chose an unheralded, untested candidate whose persona resembled the man who’d held the job for 22 seasons before Lasorda, Walt Alston. Saddled with expensive mediocrities such as Karros, Mark Grudzielanek, Marquis Grissom, and Tom Goodwin, and with pitching staffs decimated by injuries (Brown, Dreifort, Perez and Ashby were paid $38 million to make 38 starts in 2001), Tracy nevertheless has kept the Dodgers in contention up until the final week in each of his two campaigns. He’s milked productive seasons out of the likes of Grissom and Alex Cora, found significant roles for journeymen Paul Lo Duca, Eric Gagne, and Dave Roberts, and instilled two of the most expensive clubs in baseball history with the plucky spirit of the underdog. Though his teams have come up even shorter than Bill Russell’s, against the backdrop of the Foxies’ ineptitude, Tracy’s Dodgers have won moral victories and the respect of this disenfranchised fan.

Moral victories don’t buy much these days, at least not enough for Rupert Murdoch. Though the team freed up significant payroll this offseason, they shunned big-name free-agents such as Jeff Kent and Cliff Floyd, content to cut losses and send Tracy into battle undermanned yet again. Now they want to get fiscally responsible?

You’d think this fan might rejoice at the rumor that Rupe’s ready to sell. But the news that the Dodgers’ potential knight in shining armor is none other than Dave Checketts is enough to make me recoil to embrace Rupert’s regime. Checketts and I have a history.

In 1979, a woeful professional basketball team moved to my hometown of Salt Lake City. The Utah Jazz, on the lam from New Orleans, gave its fans four seasons of dreadful basketball as an excuse to watch the Dr. J’s, Larry Birds, and Magic Johnsons of the NBA run rampant. But in 1983-84, they began turning things around, both on the court — their first .500 season and first playoff appearance– and in the front office, hiring a 27-year-old local, Checketts, as their Executive Vice President and General Manager. Through excellent scouting and drafting, including two relatively unheralded players in John Stockton and Karl Malone, the team became a perennial contender on Checketts’ watch, though much of the credit is due to Scott Layden. Checketts left the Jazz in 1989 a much stronger franchise than he inherited, a legacy that endures today, The Jazz’s string of postseason appearances has continued uninterrupted via the core of Stockton, Malone, and coach Jerry Sloan. Fifteen years and two thousand miles away from Utah, they’ve given me a team that remains near and dear to my heart.

Checketts made his way to the bright lights and big city. After two years of working for the NBA league office in Manhattan, he became president of the Knicks in 1991 and then of MSG Sports Group (parent company of the Knicks, the Rangers hockey team, the WNBA Liberty, and Madison Square Garden) in 1994. Inheriting two championship-caliber teams, he ran them into the ground, with horrible contracts, inflated payrolls and a distinct lack of imagination. His network maintained a third-rate look, skimpy on graphics, personality, and bulb wattage. He developed a reputation for corporate ruthlessness as well, with such stunts as a bold power move to unseat the previous MSG president, a behind-the back pass at Phil Jackson while Jeff van Gundy was still coach, and a GM fired over dessert. Upon his resignation in May 2001, the Garden lay empty, without either of its expensive, uninspiring teams in the playoffs for the first time in 25 years.

Since leaving MSG, Checketts has tried to purchase the Boston Red Sox and the Orlando Magic, with no success. But now his bid for the Dodgers has gained the backing of two billionaires, George Soros and Eli Broad, and they are reportedly prepared to offer $600-650 million for the Dodgers, their stadium, and Fox Sports Net 2, the Dodgers’ cable home. Murdoch purchased the team and the stadium for $311 million in ’97, plus $14 million in charities to the O’Malley family and another $25 million of assumed debt.

While the bid is reportedly “in the ballpark” of the assets’ value, it’s unclear whether Murdoch is willing to sell the cable network. Only recently has Fox’s regional network strategy begun paying off. But the channel is obviously the apple of Checketts’ eye, and it would be highly surprising to see him pursue the deal without it. He already owns SportsWest Productions, a Utah-based network that carries Mountain West Conference basketball, and his appetite is apparently geared more towards a cable empire than a baseball dynasty.

So you’ll forgive this deposed Dodger fan for hoping the regime which sent him into exile hangs tough until a more suitable suitor comes along. I want my Dodgers back, but I don’t want Dave Checketts anywhere near them. I’ll take my chances with the next S.O.B. who comes along instead.